"I" Reflections Version 1

May 16, 2018

Reflection Week 4

I continue to build into my research

I had to write out my first problem statement

I navigate the problem of write privilege/fragility

I approached the problem from an autoethnographic lens using I

                                                                                    “This is a good start, Kerrie

                                                           Now see if you can write the same thing without the word ‘I’”

I am still breaking ground in understanding what the appropriated ways are

I guess for the problem statement the expectation is to begin with the macro

I am building

I am going through my articles from the past two quarters to sift and collect

I ordered some more books

I read chapters on Poetry and Visual Arts

I move forward

I had a follow up meeting on Tues at 1:30 pm 

I continue in my research

I met with my co-collaborators

I move forward with this research.

I didn’t audio record 

I felt like I wanted to have some spaces where friendship is cultivated apart from documentation

I also began to work a bit with my transcripts playing with format

I still have two lengthy tapes to transcribe

I was intrigued in reading about the textual collage

I enjoy working in poetry narrative and images    

I am sorry

I overlooked posting this assignment

I am looking forward to next week

I am not scheduling any field work

I can dig into what I have already and play a bit

Reflections Week 5

I sit propped up on an extra cushy pillow on my desk chair

I have many corrections to attend to in this practice of transcribing

I did not expect and was completely caught off guard by this emergent emotional experience

I observe through listening I stop     rewind    fast-forward   and re-listen to our conversations

I pour over every detail, listening attentively to every syllable    word    intonation    cadence    spaces of silence    it all feels quite voyeuristic

I will then treat as ethnographic data or raw material for some kind of art-based representation.

I had an acute awareness of this person

I am outside of myself the more I listened

I jumped in and interrupted

I didn’t recognize myself

I hadn’t noticed this as much in the first audio transcript I did last quarter

I perceived in the listening a sense of myself dimensionally

I was flat like a thin paper doll easily torn

I thought I had more substance

I listened  

I read all of us in our voices    our pauses    our silences    our rush to speak

I felt them so embodied in the listening

I don’t know in this moment how white identities are transformed

                                                               Tony Adams and Stacy Holman Jones in their article   

                                                                                        “Autoethnography is Queer"

                                      articulate beautifully as the value of “being undone in a radical relationality.”[i]

                                                  This is a process of risking and trusting ourselves in relationship;

                                “a chance to be addressed, claimed, bound to what is not me, but also to be moved,

                            to be prompted to act, to address myself elsewhere, and so to evacuate the self-sufficient

                                                                                        ‘I’ as a kind of possession.”[ii]

I am reminded of what I had recently written

I stated

I have chosen to move into the fear and discomfort of acknowledging my complicity within my

white frameworks where

I bring harm to non-white communities

I have chosen to remain in spaces where

I am intentionally working to identify and dissolve harmful frameworks of white privilege in my life

I called and talked with my co-collaborator about these experiences

I was having and she was supportive

I will be spending Sunday from 2 pm through the evening at a gathering with my co-collaborators

I have been invited to a pot luck in Kent

I am going to bring our transcripts

I went to Dick’s Art supply this week and bought a large canvas and some media supplies

I am working hard to navigate my heart process

Reflection Week 6

I continue to struggle with writing my proposal for Honors

I literally feel so overwhelmingly STUCK

I tried to get a drop in at Hall Health

I side stepped the main path trying to avoid anyone seeing me dissolve

I feel so vulnerable this quarter

I cannot figure out why

I am struggling so much

I sit with books stacked in piles around me

I am convinced that this work is so valuable yet

I struggle with finding the framework

I want to run away 

I feel overwhelmed

I am doing my best to show up  

I spoke with my co-collaborator on the phone on Tuesday

I arranged to meet her at her house

I first stopped off at the Bainbridge Island Museum of History

I spent almost two hours looking through all of the historic artifacts

I watched a 30 minute documentary on the Manzanar Internment camp

I left with some titles of books to look for at our Island library

I found her in her backyard working on creating vegetable gardens

I arrived as she was preparing large cinder blocks to be painted

I showed her some of the found poetry

I was working on

I am still going through the transcripts

I went to the library and checked out five books and photographed about 30 pages of a reference book

Reflections Week 7

I have found myself in an unusual place struggling to understand this embodied experience

I am having

I had a horrible fall on my way to the light rail on First St.

I was launched all the way forward onto my left hip

I composed myself

I held back tears from the immediate pain as best

I could 

I called my husband

I made the decision to carry on and somehow hobble myself to the train 

I sopped up tears along the way

I have done all that I can to continue to show up 

I enjoyed my family all day Saturday

I could not really work on anything

I had planned to attend the gathering with my co-collaborators in Kent

I drove with my co-collaborator to the potluck

I had hoped to gather more of a sense of their collective work

I listened and observed and shared a little of my work

I was able to witness my co-collaborator's interaction with those in her community

I have enjoyed the time we have spent in these many different contexts

I spent some time with some new software called Audacity

I watched hours of YouTube videos to get the gist

I am not sure this is going to work

I am hoping

I am continuing to work with the transcripts

I am still in process of finding my way

I wish it was in a space where

I felt the messiness was making sense

I am praying and hoping

I will feel a sense of flow for the final outcome.

                                                                           I’ poems are a place of existence

                             “the technique is designed to press the listener to the participants first-person voice

                              and to hear how this person speaks about him or herself… by isolating ‘I’ statements,

                                    the analyst is able to spate the voice the participant uses to express her identity

                                                    through the narrative she is telling.”[iii] (Nichols et al.9)

 

I must write about the world that I will study without the word “I”

I must vacate the “self-sufficient ‘I’ as a kind of possession”[iv]

                                                                                     “Eventually you can bring yourself back in,

                                                             but for the moment try to get outside of writing a personal narrative”

I resist

 

 

 

 

EndNotes

[i]  Tony E. Adams and Stacy Holman Jones.,“Autoethnography is Queer,” in Critical Indigenous Methodologies, 2008, Norman Denzin et al. Eds., Los Angeles: Sage: 384.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Tracy Nichols, et al., “Using Research Poetics Responsibly: Application for Health Promotion Research,” International Quarterly of Community Health Education, vol. 35, no. 1, 2014-2015, pp 5-20.

[iv] Tony E. Adams and Stacy Holman Jones.,“Autoethnography is Queer,”

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